Friday, June 02, 2006

More thoughts on summer things…


I talked about culture the other day. I guess I will continue in that vein.

Think of your last airplane flight in the summer. Maybe you traveled with this family as I did. What is up with the ever so large women, head of a family of five, that carry all their luggage on? We are not talking small pieces of luggage here. No we are talking American Tourister, hard side, with wheels. If the can find a model with a leash, watch out it will be coming aboard. This is classic luggage people.

It’s not just them. They have indoctrinated the entire family of five. They all have carry on luggage. Even the little ones. Mom, the patriarch of the family told them that the boogie man would steal their luggage. The airline would steal it. Or maybe even, “Well if we crash you will want you toothbrush and your good underwear”. I don’t know what she told them, but they all think this stuff is worth of carrying onto an aircraft smaller than most trailer houses.

But I need my medication….

Of course you do. I am not asking you to walk on a plane with nothing in hand. That makes me nervous too. But a small handbag or carry on under 24 inches for a few small items is great. Hell, pack them snacks I don't care. Just do not get on board with a bag big enough to have Aunt Myrtle in. Buy her a ticket. It may be the last trip she takes.

There is nothing worse than sitting on a plane, ready to leave the gate. You hear the overhead. Ladies and Gentlemen, we are going to be a bit delayed, it seems the connecting flight from Yazoo City is running a bit late. Then you see the first one, a pale woman in shorts covered in a light glaze of sweat. As her arms just seem to slide of the side of her arm, your head is now in perfect position for her carry on to clobber you. Then you see the rest of the family. The other four. At that time you are thinking… “What in the hell was I thinking?” traveling in the summer months is like armature hour at the Apollo. You never know what you are going to get.

Anyone with thoughts on foreign tourist and Speedo’s?

Thursday, June 01, 2006

The Ryan's Steakhouse Story

Warning:The following story is a work of fiction, by an unknown author. It is not my work. For those with a weak stomach, I suggest you skip it. It does contain language that some my find offensive and repulsive. Read at your own risk.

The Ryan's Steakhouse Story
by Anonymous

Now, I know that there is a lot of embellishment that occurs on this group and I am aware that a small number of things are perhaps sheer fabrication, but I have a story to tell that is the absolute truth.

Funniest damn thing that has ever happened to me. A couple of weeks ago we decided to cruise out to Ryan's Steakhouse for dinner. It was a Wednesday night which means that macaroni and beef was on the hot bar, indeed the only night of the week that it is served. Wednesday night is also kid's night at Ryan's, complete with Dizzy the Clown wandering from table to table entertaining the little bastards. It may seem that the events about to be told have little connection to those two circumstances, but all will be clear in a moment.

We went through the line and placed our orders for the all-you-can-eat hot bar then sat down as far away from the front of the restaurant as possible in order to keep the density of kids down a bit. Then I started my move to the hot bar. Plate after plate of macaroni and beef were consumed that evening, I tell you - in all, four heaping plates of the pseudo-Italian ambrosia were shoved into my belly. I was sated. Perhaps a bit too much, however.

I had not really been feeling well all day, what with a bit of gas and such. By the time I had eaten four overwhelmed plates of food, I was in real trouble. There was so much pressure on my diaphragm that I was having trouble breathing. At the same time, the downward pressure was building. At first I thought it was only gas, which could have been passed in batches right at the table without too much concern.
Unfortunately, that was not to be. After a minute or so it was clear that I was dealing with explosive diarrhea. It's amazing how grease can make its way through your intestines far faster than the food, which spawned the grease to begin with, but I digress... I got up from the table and made my way to the bathroom. Upon entering, I saw two sinks immediately inside the door, two urinals just to the right of the sinks, and two toilet stalls against the back wall. One of them was a handicapped bathroom. Now, normally I would have gone to the handicapped stall since I like to stretch out a bit when I take a good shit. But in this case, the door lock was broken and the only thing I hate worse than my wife telling me to stop cutting my toenails with a pair of diagonal wire-cutters is having someone walk in on me while I am taking a shit.

I went to the normal stall. In retrospect, I probably should have gone to the large, handicapped stall even though the door would not lock because that bit of time lost in making the stall switch proved to be a bit too long under the circumstances. By the time I had walked into the regular stall, the pressure on my ass was reaching Biblical portions. I began "The Move."

For those women who may be reading this, let me take a moment to explain "The Move." Men know exactly what their bowels are up to at any given second. And when the time comes to empty the cache, a sequence of physiological events occur that can not be stopped under any circumstances. There is a move men make that involves simultaneously approaching the toilet, beginning the body turn to position ones ass toward said toilet, hooking ones fingers into ones waistline, and pulling down the pants while beginning the squat at the same time. It is a very fluid motion that, when performed properly, results in the flawless expulsion of shit at the exact same second that one’s ass is properly placed on the toilet seat. Done properly, it even assures that the choad is properly inserted into the front rim of the toilet in the event that the piss stream lets loose at the same time; it is truly a picture of coordination rivaling that of a skilled ballet dancer.

I was about halfway into "The Move" when I looked down at the floor and saw a pile of vomit that had been previously expelled by one of those little bastards attending kids night. It was mounded up in the corner so I did not notice it when I had first walked into the stall. Normally, I would not have been bothered by such a thing, but I had eaten so much and the pressure upward was so intense, that I hit a rarely experienced gag reflex. And once that reflex started, combined with the intense pressure upward caused by the bloated stomach, four plates of macaroni and beef started coming up for a rematch.

What happened next was so quick that the exact sequence of events is a bit fuzzy, but I will try to reconstruct them as best I can. In that moment of impending projectile vomiting, my attention was diverted from the goings-on at the other end. To put a freeze frame on the situation, I was half crouched down to the toilet, pants pulled down to my knees, with a load of vomit coming up my esophagus.

Now, most of you know that vomiting takes precedence over shit no matter what is about to come slamming out of your ass. It is apparently an evolutionary thing since shitting will not kill you, but vomiting takes a presence of mind to accomplish so that you do not aspirate any food into the bronchial tubes and perhaps choke to death. My attention was thus diverted. At that very split second, my ass exploded in what can only be described as a wake...you know, as in a newspaper headline along the lines of "30,000 Killed In Wake of Typhoon Fifi" or something similar. In what seemed to be most suitably measured in cubic feet, an enormous plug of shit the consistency of thick mud with embedded pockets of greasy liquid came flying out of my ass.

But remember, I was only halfway down on the toilet at that moment. The shit wave was of such force, and of just such an angle in relation to the back curve of the toilet seat, that it ricocheted off the back of the seat and slammed into the wall - at an angle of incidence equal to the angle at which it initially hit the toilet seat. Then I sat down. Recall that when that event occurred, I was already halfway to sitting anyway and had actually reached the point of no return. I have always considered myself as relatively stable gravitationally, but when you get beyond a certain point, you're going down no matter how limber you may be. Needless to say, the shit wave, though of considerable force, was not so sufficient so as to completely glance off the toilet seat and deposit itself on the walls - unlike what you would see when hitting a puddle with a high-pressure water hose; even though you throw water at the puddle, the puddle gets moved and no water is left to re-form a puddle. There was a significant amount of shit remaining on about one-third of the seat rim, which I had now just collapsed upon.

Now, back to the vomit...

While all the shitting was going on, the vomit was still on its way up. By the time I had actually collapsed on the toilet, my mouth had filled up with a goodly portion of the macaroni and beef I had just consumed. OK, so what does the human body instinctively do when vomiting? One bends over. So I bent over. I was still sitting on the toilet, though. Therefore, bending over resulted in me placing my head above my now slightly-opened legs, positioned in between my knees and waist. Also directly above my pants which were now pulled down to a point just midway between my knees and my ankles. Oh, did I mention that I was wearing not just pants, but sweatpants with elastic on the ankles. In one mighty push, some three pounds of macaroni and beef, two or three Cokes, and a couple of Big, Fat Yeast Rolls were deposited in my pants...on the inside...with no ready exit at the bottom down by my feet. In the next several seconds, there were a handful of farts, a couple of turds, and the event ended. Yet I was now sitting there with my pants full of vomit, my back covered in shit that had bounced off the toilet, spattered on three ceramic-tiled walls to a height of about five feet, and still had enough force to come back at me, covering the back of my shirt with droplets of liquid shit. All while thick shit was spread all over my ass in a ring curiously in the shape of a toilet seat.
And there was no fucking toilet paper. What could I do but laugh. I must have sounded like a complete maniac to the guy who then wandered into the bathroom. He actually asked if I was OK since I was laughing so hard I must have sounded like I was crying hysterically. I calmed down just enough to ask him if he would get the manager. And told him to have the manager bring some toilet paper. When the manager walked in, he brought the toilet paper with him, but in no way was prepared for what happened next. I simply told him that there was no way I was going to explain what was happening in the stall, but that I needed several wet towels and I needed him to go ask my wife to come help me. I told him where we were sitting and he left. At that point, I think he was probably assuming that I had pissed just a bit in my pants or something similarly benign.

About two minutes later, my wife came into the bathroom not knowing what was wrong and with a certain amount of worry in her voice. I explained to her (still laughing and having trouble getting out words) that I had a slight accident and needed her help. Knowing that I had experienced some close calls in the past, she probably assumed that I had laid down a small turd or something and just needed to bring the car around so we could bolt immediately. Until I asked her, I'm sure she had no idea that she was about to go across the street and purchase me new underwear, new socks, new pants, a new shirt, and (by that time due to considerable leakage around the elastic ankles thingies) new sneakers. And she then started to laugh herself since I was still laughing. She began to ask for an explanation as to what had happened when I promised her that I would tell her later, but that I just needed to handle damage control for the time being. She left.

The manager then came back in with a half-dozen wet towels and a few dry ones. I asked him to also bring a mop and bucket upon which he assured me that they would clean up anything that needed to be cleaned. Without giving him specific details, I explained that what was going on in that stall that night was far in excess of what I would expect anyone to deal with, what with most of the folks working at Ryan's making minimum wage of just slightly above. At that moment, I think it dawned on him exactly the gravity of the situation. Then that manager went so far above the call of duty that I will be eternally grateful for his actions. He hooked up a hose. Fortunately, commercial bathrooms are constructed with tile walls and tile floors and have a drain in the middle of the room in order to make clean up easy.

Fortunately, I was in a commercial bathroom. He hooked up the hose to the spigot located under the sink as I began cleaning myself up with the wet towels.
Just as I was finishing, my wife got back with the new clothes and passed them into the stall, whereupon I stuffed the previously worn clothing into the plastic bag that came from the store, handing the bag to my wife. I finished cleaning myself off and carefully put on my new clothes, still stuck in the stall since I figured that it would be in bad taste to go out of the stall to get redressed, in the event I happened to be standing there naked and some little bastard kid walked in. At that point, I had only made a mess; I had not yet committed a felony and intended to keep it that way.

When I finished getting dressed, I picked up the hose and cleaned up the entire stall, washing down the remains toward the drain in the center of the room. I put down the hose and walked out of the bathroom. I had intended to go to the manager and thank him for all he had done, but when I walked out, three of the management staff was there to greet me with a standing ovation. I started laughing so hard that I thought I was going to throw up again, but managed to scurry out to the car where my wife was now waiting to pick me up by the front door.

The upshot of all this is that I strongly recommend eating dinner at Ryan's Steak House. They have, by far, the nicest management staff of any restaurant in which I have eaten.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Wal-Mart, Kroger, and real culture.


Ok, having traveled as much as I did for four years around the US, I feel that I have a certain authority. I elect to share the thought on the subject today, where to find the real cultural baseline in any community.

Ever wonder while traveling, are these people more civilized than those of my neighbors? We never ask people to measure up to ourselves. No, the neighbor becomes most peoples yardstick. Many people mistakenly start with the local art scene. When I say art, I lump a lot together. Music, plays, and museums all offer the traveler art forms to be enjoyed or cried about depending on the performance. Now in Little Rock, people on the cutting edge enjoy places like Juanita’s, Sticky Fingerz Chicken Shack, and the like. All offer a glimpse of the music front in Arkansas. I am sure you have places like this near you. Were not talking major label bands here every night. Don’t get me wrong; great people play places like these every night. But if you are new, you just might get a break too. They offer the best there is in today’s music scene. Radio frankly sucks, playing top 40 all day long in not the way to go, but more on that later.

Still others examine the live stage performances offered. Again we have these. The Rep offers great value and brings in some wonderful productions. Some of the plays I have seen on stage have been dramatic, and maybe even value altering.

But if you real want to see what culture is like, you have to hit the places ALL locals visit. The best by far is Wal-Mart. Where can you buy Christmas tree ornaments at 2am and be standing in line with a guy buying underwear? Wal-Mart! No, you say. Trust me, been there and done that. It was a few years back, and one might wonder if he thought I was odd. Sure beat says he did. Who in their right mind would be buying Christmas decorations at 2am? Hey, I got off at mid-night and could not sleep. Why do you need underwear at this hour buddy? Too much Ryan’s Steakhouse? I will share that story later with you, not my work, great stuff. Now, this poor sole may have never darkened the door of stage production anywhere. But he visits Wal-Mart.

What brought all this up was a trip the other day to another city, and while not thousands of miles from home, a trip of about twenty-five miles. I needed a soda and gum. Not wanting cigarette smoke cured products; I opted for Kroger’s. Now they are a fairly large chain. I have never looked, but feel certain they have a no shirt, no shoes, no service policy. At least I hope they do. Well out walks a kid, probable eight or nine years old. If I am lying I am dying here people. The kid walks out with out a shirt. Now for those of you the live here, you know it has been possible to already start a tan at least. This kid was dark, or at least most of him was. He was in a pair of blue jean cut off’s, the kind your mom made you out of those Rustler jeans, the cut ends not yet frayed. If this was not a glance in to the microcosm of culture, what follows next is. Someone had shave a Mohawk into this kid’s head. Okay you say, not so bad. It was not tan underneath. Someone get the kid a hat. I almost laughed at him, but his dad was larger than I and in a sleeveless denim shirt, appearing to have been tailored at the same little boutique.

To heck with the arts, you want to know the culture of a place? Head to Wal-Mart, Kroger’s, Piggly Wiggly, but avoid a Target. Those people have money; you will see them at the theater anyway.